Caregiver Stress – The Pressure I Felt Being A Caregiver To An Elderly Parent

I was my Mom’s caregiver for 5 years prior to her death at the ripe old age of 95 on February 15, 2012 so I know of what I type when I’m typing about caregiver stress. During most of that time, I was largely unaware that there was an actual syndrome called ‘caregiver stress’ – I only knew that I felt it!

In my case, caregiving didn’t come naturally as I chose not to breed (vastly preferring dogs to children) so I had no life skills in caregiving that someone who was a parent would bring to the table. What I did have instead though was the most adorable mother in the world who, as with all things in my life, guided me and strengthened in me the skills I needed to care for her.

We debated long and hard a few times whether cheese, apples, or bananas would cause diarrhea or constipation – she always was right but looking for this verification of this information sent me scurrying to the internet. Ah, another lesson learned – apples and bananas are binding (hence, good for diarrhea) while cheese is not.

Educate Yourself About Your Caregiving Duties

Avoiding caregiver stress meant that I had to know what the heck I was doing! I bought a lot of books while I was caring for Mom. Nighttime would frequently find me propped up in bed reading about Sundowner syndrome and other ailments that affect the elderly. I always picked up useful information – sure, it could be found on the internet, but, sometimes, I just liked to curl up with a book and read a bit. I recommend you do the same thing as it’s a great way to let your mind ‘get away’ and reduce caregiver stress – even if you’re reading about it!

I even wrote my own caregiving book that you see in the first link below. There were a lot of things that I wish someone had told me about taking on a caregiving job with no skills. So, I wrote ’em up and there they are, right on amazon.com.

 Senior citizen caregiving 101: Things I wish I’d known Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children Restoring Rebecca: A story of traumatic stress, caregiving, and the unmasking of a superhero I Am Here: The Healing Journey of Caregiving Make Life Better for Seniors: More Than 1,200 Tips for Families and Caregivers

I felt alone – A typical feeling of those with caregiver stress syndrome

With little family support, I at first felt alone in caring for my Mom. After all, my life was on hold while those around me continued to have weekends and vacations. I fixed this caregiver stress feeling of isolation though by asking my very best friends to help me care for Mom. Without a word, they dropped whatever they were doing or had planned and would do whatever we needed. I will never forget the loyalty and love these friends showed to my Mom and me as we wandered the aging path.

My advice to other caregivers is this: caregivers need to have a strong support system behind them. There’s lots of ways to accomplish this including checking out resources for caregivers of aging parents. Obviously, family should chip in but, statistically, caregiving usually falls to just one child – and, from my own unofficial research with friends, this is exactly what happens.

A lot of the time, other family members are so far removed that they have no idea how difficult or heartbreaking the caregiving job can be. Or, some family members may just be of weaker constitution and can’t handle the stress or watching the ultimate decline of a loved one. Or, family members just might be more selfish and continue their own lives while you flounder in your caregiver stress mode.

So, create your own support system – ask your friends, check with your charge’s doctor for resources in your area, hire a caregiver to help, join caregiving forums and reach out to other caregivers. Do something so you don’t feel so isolated!

And, here’s a good tip – NEVER, EVER let an offer of help go aside. When a friend asks if you’d like her to make dinner, the resounding answer should be ‘always!’.

I felt anger – another typical caregiver stress syndrome

I felt anger, certainly not directed at my Mom, but mostly directed toward myself. I was angry that I hadn’t prepared myself adequately with information before I was sent into this caregiving world.

I remember the first time I washed Mom’s hair and got soap in her eyes. I was angry that I was basically flying blind when it came to the lifeskills needed when caring for the elderly. Thankfully, my Mom was about the most wonderful, loving woman in the world and, once she cleared the soap from her eyes, her attitude was ‘let’s try this again.’ My anger dissipated as she explained to me that I had to tell her to lean back….geez…

I also felt anger at the one sibling I had in the area who wasn’t willing to help me care for Mom – he and his family were busy living their normal life while my life was veering off course. I was angry at him and his family for not calling to check on Mom (or me!) and for not coming to visit. Basically, his family hurt my Mom’s feeling with their lack of support and that just pissed me off to no end. I covered for him for awhile and lied to Mom when she asked if I’d heard from him. But, after a while, I just had to let that go. If you’re in a similar situation, I suggest you let it go also.

I was physically exhausted

The pressure of caregiving, at first and also during the last month, was almost unbearable. I was a mess – physically I could barely stand up as I wasn’t sleeping at night. Always in a battle with insomnia (since I was 16), my restless sleep was even more broken as I checked on Mom at least 3 or 4 times a night. I’d physically go into her room and check to make sure she was ok. I was pooped!

So, what was my remedy for this? My wonderful boyfriend introduced me to the world of alarm systems for caregivers. In fact, after purchasing 3 different units.

Basically, we set up monitors in the living room where Mom often napped and in her bedroom so I could check on her during the night without having to leave my own bed. I even bought an alarm mat that sounded when she put her feet on the ground so I knew I had to get up and help her to the bathroom. These alarm systems were a life saver.

I strongly suggest that you do the same – buy a good baby monitor with night vision. Select a mat alarm for the front door if you’re a caregiver of an alzheimer patient. Put alarm systems all over the house.

The other thing I did was give my Mom a bell to ring if she needed me. I rested easier knowing that she promised (and she did) use it (and she did!).

In closing, caregiver stress can be reduced, if not exactly avoided. Lean on your friends, take some walks, set up a bubble bath – do whatever you need to do to reduce your stress level. After all, you can’t be a good caregiver if you’re not healthy yourself.